


Just a Fictive

by WhatAmIDoingWithMyLife55



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 04:09:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19899610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatAmIDoingWithMyLife55/pseuds/WhatAmIDoingWithMyLife55
Summary: **Please read notes!**Logan didn't want this. He didn't ask for this. All he wanted was to see them again. He knew it was impossible."Please. Please, I just want to see them. Just let me see them!"





	Just a Fictive

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I would like to say that this was not written by me. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and a fictive alter of Logan Sanders. He got very homesick last night (the text conversation is loosely based on an actual conversation he had). I told him that writing is a great outlet for emotions, and he took it and ran with it. I'm posting this with his permission and some light editing done on my part, to hopefully show what it is like for fictives. -Max
> 
> ~~Small Glossary of Terms~~
> 
> Fictive: An alter based off a fictional character
> 
> DID: A disorder that involves forming multiple "personalities". PEOPLE WITH THIS DISORDER ARE NOT EVIL.
> 
> Source: The work of fiction a fictive was taken from
> 
> Source Mate: A term used by fictives to describe another alter from their source

The smell of cookies drifted lazily through the air. The fresh popcorn was sitting in a bowl on the coffee table, having been brought in by Virgil. Roman was relaxing on the couch, having queued up the movie for their weekly movie night.

Logan walked into the room, sitting himself down on the couch a reasonable distance from Roman, knowing Patton would make them squeeze together in a few minutes. Logan had spent the day in his room nursing a headache that refused to go away. It steadily got worse as the day went on, unhindered by painkillers or rest. His head was throbbing by this point in the day.

"Okay, everybody ready?" asked Patton as he walked into the room with a plate piled high with warm chocolate chip cookies.

"What are we watching?" questioned Virgil from the opposite side of the couch.

"Mulan," responded Roman.

Virgil rolled his eyes, "Of course. Why would I expect anything less than Disney,"

Patton hushed them as the opening credits played. Logan stopped paying attention to his surroundings. The throbbing in his head made him unable to focus on the slight bickering around him.

As _I'll Make a Man Out of You_ began playing, Logan felt himself become dizzy. He stood, excusing himself to get a glass of water from the kitchen. Virgil eyed him, but focused back on the movie.

In the kitchen, Logan leaned on the sink, the half drunk cup of water in his hand. The pounding in his head was as insistent as ever, and gave him a slight bout of vertigo as he was walking. He was determined to make it through the movie night however. If he still felt sick in the morning, he would tell the others.

With a sigh, he turned around to walk back to the others. Another bout of vertigo hit and his knees gave out. He let the glass drop in favor of catching himself on the counter, the smash causing the other three sides to look back.

"Logan?"

_"Logan!"_

What felt like seconds later, he was on his back and leaning on Patton, staring up at three concerned faces.

"Logan what's going on, are you okay?"

"Has the dragon witch injured you? I shall slay her!"

"How are you feeling kiddo?"

All of them started speaking at once when they saw he was awake. Logan groaned and clenched his eyes shut again. He wasn't paying attention the the scared and worried voices over his head, so it shocked him when he was suddenly swept up into someone's arms.

Time past again, but for all Logan knew, it could've been a few minutes or a few days. The pain didn't stop, instead getting worse and worse.

At one point, the pain started to concentrate in his fingertips. He remembered there being a lot of crying and worried voices begging for him to wake up after that. The pain moved into his legs and other arm as well, although it had dulled into more of a numbing sensation. It slowly spread through his entire body.

He drifted in and out, listening to the voices of his family growing steadily more and more panicked, but there was nothing he could do.

  


Then he opened his eyes.

  


He looked around, confused as to where he was. He only grew more confused when he had no idea where he was.

He appeared to be in a bedroom. The walls were light blue, and a trans pride flag was sitting in the corner, waiting for its turn to be hung among the many posters that covered the walls. He was laying on a bed with a phone in his hand. He looked at the contents of the website that was pulled up.

_"- members of a system may have many different roles. It is normal for DID systems to have alters called introjects-"_

DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. He knew of its existence because of fanders relating Sanders Sides to a system several times, and he had made sure Thomad knew the basic etiquette of talking to someone with it.

_"-called interjects. Introjects can be a fictional character that the host or another alter fixate on. These are often called fictives."_

There couldn't be any way that- no that was absurd. He looked at his body for the first time, only now realizing that _that was not his body._ This body had a chest. Of course he had a chest before, but it had two lumps of tissue on it. He looked at the arm holding the phone and just how slim and feminine and _wrong_ it was. He looked at his reflection in the phone, noting how round and babyish his face looked. He looked like a teenager.

Alright, so maybe he was in a system. What did that mean? Obviously that means that he was a fictional character from a story. Not real, just made up by somebody's mind to help them cope with what they're going through. But what of his family? Logically, they're not real if he is indeed part of a system, but he had memories of things that were never shown in the Sanders Sides. Ideas that never saw the light of day. He knew what it felt like to be hugged by Patton, to debate with Virgil, and to watch Disney films with Roman.

He spent the next hour reading on his- the bodies phone- about fictives. How they can have memories of their 'canon' and how they can be unaware their life was fiction. How they can feel as if they were pulled from their story as if by magic, unseen force, and how it's really only the mind of a traumatized child hyper focusing on a character so much that their brain makes a copy of them to help them.

It doesn't sink in at first that he's never going to see his famILY again. It doesn't sink in when he tells the host of his existence. It doesn't sink in until months later, talking to other fictives on discord, an app the host, Max uses to connect with other systems. It doesn't sink in until he watches a fictive meet another fictive of their best friend. Not until he sees how happy they are at being reunited.

He breaks.

He goes into every server they're a part of, asking if anyone has any fictives from Sanders Sides. Asking if anyone has a member of his family in their head. He has tears on his cheeks. It's the first time he's cried in this body. It feels so wrong.

He knows that if there are any other fictives from his source, he won't be talking to _his_ version of them. No fictive is an exact copy of their source, and in this case, Logan is not an exact copy of the Logic character portrayed in Sanders Sides. No matter who he talks to, he'll never see the famILY he won Monopoly against, or the famILY he would spend his nights curled up with, or the famILY he would eat dinner with as they discussed possible video ideas.

Half an hour later, he meets someone. Someone responds to him, not with an 'oof sorry', or a 'sorry no we don't', but with a 'yeah sure, let me see if I can get him'. A few long minutes later, he gets a notification.

V - 10:00pm

Hello?

Virgil. Of course it's Virgil. Logan smiles as memories fly through his head, making him happy and sad at the same time. Bittersweet.

Logan - 10:03pm

Greetings Virgil. It is wonderful to talk to you again.

V - 10:05pm

u too. sorry this is a little weird. never met a source mate.

Logan - 10:09pm

That is understandable. I have been missing you three dearly as of late, although I loath to admit it.

V - 10:13pm

yea. it's too quiet without you guys. I'm still getting used to being in someone else's head. I stay in my room a lot

Logan - 10:14pm

Me as well.

V - 10:18pm

The host bought a MCR album for me on our phone for me to listen to when I front, so that helps

Logan - 10:20pm

That was nice of them. Our host is a fan of that genre of music and I avoid it any time I can. It reminds me of you

V - 10:22pm

yea our host listens to Disney songs a lot. I once told her to be careful or Roman was going to rise up and then I realised that wont happen.

Logan - 10:23pm

The same happened to me when somebody made a dad joke near us.

Eventually the conversation lulled. Virgil ended up leaving to avoid the party the host was going to. Logan felt a little better at the assurance that they would talk again soon, for the benefit of both of them.

After another hour of trying and failing to give the body back over to the host, Logan admitted defeat and settled into bed for the night. Restless sleep was all that followed him.

~~~~~~

When Logan opened his eyes again, he was expecting to see the blue walls of Max's room. He expected to see maybe the interior of the fathers car, or perhaps the living room of a friends house. Not the common room of the mindspace he shared in Thomas's head.

He was standing in the kitchen. He saw a lump on the couch and started to walk towards it. Anticipation was curling around his heart, as well as a small, fragile thread of hope.

When he came to rest in the spot he normally stood for a video, he saw the three other main sides curled up together, covered in piles of blankets.

"Guys?"

Virgil's head snapped up at Logans voice, seemingly already wide awake, rousing the other two from their slumber. All three of them had red, swollen eyes, a clear sign they had been crying before they fell asleep. Two sets of eyes were filled with hope.

"Deceit that's not funny. Quit it," Virgil growled.

"No it's.. really me," replied Logan. Patton's eyes widened and started glistening. He jumped up immediately and hugged Logan.

"Patton! We don't know that it's really him-" Virgil was cut off by a loud sob from Logan, who had buried his face into Patton's shoulder, and was holding him tightly. Roman slowly stood and quietly joined in on the hug. Virgil, without prompting, joined as well, secure in the fact that Deceit could never imitate Logan being that emotional.

Logan spent the next hour stuttering over his explanations. He told them every little detail from the seven other people he shared a body with, to the abuse and yelling he endured for them. He told them of Max and his friends, and how him and Max together talked a few of them out of doing the unthinkable. How he comforted Max when he was thinking that too.

When he started to grow tired from crying, Patton merely wrapped him in a blanket and held him close on the couch, murmuring assurances and sweet nothings. Assuring him that he was home now, he didn't have to go back. They stayed like that, all of them surrounding Logan on the couch, for hours.

All four of them fell asleep on the couch, wrapped in blankets and feeling safe and happy that they had found Logan at last, and that Logan had found them.

  
  


~~~~~~

  
  


Logan opened his eyes to blue walls covered in posters and a pride flag crumpled in the corner.


End file.
